It’s Not All About Why. It’s How.
In memory of Kami and Thomas Kennedy
Today, I was reminded again why we started this conversation.
When David and I launched Beyond Purpose, we talked about reclaiming service in America…what that could look like, how it might feel, and the ways it could shape our culture and communities. But every now and then, you just get hit by a brick wall and the way you think changes.
That happened to me today.
My best friend and former college roommate, Natalia, and I attended the funeral of Kami Kennedy, the wife of Major Thomas Kennedy, who was killed in action by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan on August 8th 2012. Thirteen years later, many of us found ourselves back in the Cadet Chapel at West Point, trying once again to make sense of a loss that still feels so present.
Kami was also the mother of two incredible children, Brody and Maggie, now 14 years old. It is clear that they carry forward the strength and spirit of both their parents. But the story of Tom and Kami Kennedy is not easy to tell. It is what I would call a true American tragedy. It is full of love, sacrifice, and a legacy that is still unfolding.
When I was a cadet at West Point, Tom was my tactical officer. He was a mentor and guide, someone who made you feel like you belonged even as he pushed you to grow. I remember one moment when I had to decide whether to pursue a high-level leadership role or focus on being captain of the women’s soccer team. Tom believed in me. He nominated me for the role. But I chose the path that felt more true to who I was, even though it wasn’t the one he hoped I would take. He didn’t agree with my decision, but he respected it. He reminded me, simply, that the journey was mine to walk.
Another time, I had gotten into trouble at the academy. I was growing and learning through it, but still unsure how others saw me. Tom once said to a group of us, “It’s not the mistake that matters, or what happened. It’s how you react. It’s what you do afterward that matters.” He may not even remember saying it, but I’ve never forgotten those words.
They came back to me today as I sat in that same chapel with Natalia. We both knew Tom. We both knew Kami. We both knew Maggie and Brody. And as the grief swept through the room, I found myself asking all the familiar questions. Why did this happen? Why is Tom gone? Why is Kami gone?
But I kept hearing Tom’s voice in my mind. It’s not always about why. It’s about how we react.
And that’s what Kami showed us every day of her life.
When Tom died, she didn’t crumble. She kept going. As a mother, as a professional, and as someone who believed deeply in living with purpose. And then, not long after, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Doctors told her she had only a few years to live. But she didn’t fixate on the diagnosis. She focused on how she could move forward. She focused on what she could still do. She showed up every single day.
Kami went on to live six years beyond that diagnosis, far longer than anyone expected. Not because she ignored the hard truth, but because she met it with courage. She chose to live each day with intention and grace. She chose to serve through the way she showed up for her kids, her community, and herself.
This morning, retired Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Martin Dempsey, gave the eulogy. He spoke about how Kami never got stuck on the question of why. Instead, she poured her energy into what could be done and how to do it with care and strength.
That, to me, is what service looks like.
If you are reading this and find yourself asking why…why you’re in the situation you’re in, why something happened, why the road has been so hard…I want you to know that those are real questions. They matter. But sometimes, we don’t get the answers we’re looking for. And even in that uncertainty, we still have the power to choose how we respond.
So maybe the better question right now is:
How will you react?
Kami answered that question with her life. And that example is something I will never forget.
